I Received Some Bad Advice

I was dealing with a difficult leader. Erratic, dismissive, controlling, and careless with the well-being of others. This person had considerable power over me and others, and it felt unsafe for any of us to push back. And this is when I received multiple batches of advice from a friend.

“Just keep them happy,”
“You just have to manage their ego,”
"Tell them they're right, even if you know otherwise"
"Tell them how great their ideas are,"
“Don’t rock the boat.”

At first, I was confused; All of this from a friend whom I thought knew better. On the surface, it sounded reasonable, especially with the accompanying rationale: this leader holds great power over people, livelihoods, and families. Keeping the peace and avoiding conflict can seem political and strategic. And, I admit, I was afraid.

I tried it on. I said yes to things I wouldn't normally, albeit only small things. I softened or omitted critical feedback. I over-praised and validated even when I knew ideas were misaligned, not just to me and my values or those around me, but the broader company, culture, and goals. Immediately, though, I knew this was wrong.

Every time we compromise our values or our commitment to the common good around us, there's a line that moves with us. You may experience short-term benefits like less conflict, the occasional praise, or even a sense of perceived safety. But that line that you know you shouldn't cross edges closer and closer, and before you know it, it's well past and behind you. Like the frog who jumps out of hot water but doesn't seem to mind being slowly boiled to death, small compromises to who we are and what we stand for can add up to dramatic consequences over time.

Every time we compromise our values or our commitment to the common good around us, there's a line that moves with us.

As we compromise our values, I think many of us also fall prey to the sunk-cost fallacy. We accept burnout, overwork, and the toll on our health, and something inside us tells us it's got to be worth it in the end—that there's going to be a big payoff. Someone will notice, you'll get a big bonus, or whatever. We don't realize the real cost: we've lost credibility with our peers, important problems are no longer being addressed, and the status quo continually inches toward awful.

During a specific incident, I experienced direction I knew was wrong, telling me what to do, what to say, and how to act in a group scenario. The reason? To curate an appearance rather than address the real underlying problems that were getting worse. And this I could not take. I've written and spoken publicly about corporate theatre many times before, so if you follow me, you know I simply cannot stand this. I'm interested in digging in and getting real work done, for the sake of real, measurable outcomes. I'm not interested in pulling the wool over people's eyes and telling a story for the sake of curation. I'm not interested in protecting comfort to avoid doing the real work.

You may be familiar with the "Fight, flight, or freeze" concept:

• Fight: pushing back, arguing, confronting.
• Flight: quitting, transferring teams, avoiding.
• Freeze: shutting down, numbing out, staying small.

There’s a fourth one many of us don’t talk about, though: fawn.

Fawning is when you appease or otherwise people-please to stay safe around power. It's the dog that turns over and shows its belly, slopping its tongue out and batting its eyes, to try to befriend an intimidating new figure or in response to reproach. It's overagreeing with a boss or colleague to avoid conflict, taking responsibility for someone else's mistakes, letting others take credit for your contributions, or pre-emptively fixing or smoothing everything over so others don't feel discomfort. This is not to be confused with genuine kindness or collaboration. This is behaviour stemming from a power dynamic, and behaviour that takes the form of small (at first) compromises on personal, societal, or cultural values, or even what's factually correct, and generally out of fear and not choice.

Fawning is bad advice.

Fawning hides real issues from being raised, teaches and reinforces the person in power's behaviour, leading them to find it acceptable or effective, and erodes boundaries, self-trust, and career opportunities. It signals to others that the only way to stay safe is to comply. It manages the nervous system of weak, sensitive people in power, and does so at your own expense. Fawners often withhold dissent, feedback, and innovative ideas, which quietly undermines learning, innovation, and psychological safety on the team. Problematic leaders often punish honest feedback and reward compliance, so fawning can escalate into overwork, boundary violations, and subtle coercion–pushing your own needs, opinions, and limits into the background, which leads to burnout, anxiety, and declining well-being.

Chronic fawning pushes your own needs, opinions, and limits into the background, which leads to burnout, anxiety, and declining well-being.

As mentioned, if you know me well, you know I hate corporate theatrics, but I also hate ineffective organizations rooted in systemic power dynamics. I will observe for a time to understand, but eventually I need to confront, especially if it means defending those around me from undue hardship. And here is what I recommend:

• Set boundaries.
• Name hard truths.
• Clarify expectations.
• Frame problems as shared challenges
• Ask open questions instead of silently absorbing impact.
• Pick your battles.
• Document.
• Escalate.
• Bring people together.
• If all fails, exit.

I also recommend being introspective and self-assessing to notice whether you have been fawning and to identify what kind of damage you may be causing. For example, if the following statements describe you, you're probably fawning:

• “I agree in meetings, then vent privately.”
• “I feel responsible for my boss’s mood.”
• “I’m more focused on not upsetting them than on doing the right work.”

If so, try to reframe things:

• “What would integrity look like here, even if it’s mildly uncomfortable?”
• “What’s one tiny piece of truth I can bring into this conversation?”

If fawning causes iterative, damaging consequences by slowly moving the line of what you find acceptable to appease power dynamics, then reframing and challenging those dynamics can iteratively heal or address the same ineffective dynamics.

Many high‑empathy, conscientious people default to fawning at work. Especially in Canada, we are often people pleasers. But we have to recognize the cost, notice the pattern, and address it. Noticing the pattern is the first stepand healthy boundaries.

Where in your work life are you calling fawning ‘being a team player’? How can you stop protecting the behaviour of those with power? How can you surface or challenge unhealthy power, holding problematic leaders accountable?

Yes, I used em dashes in writing this post. Yes, I actually wrote this post, not a robot.